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La Grande Bretagne, non contente d’abriter les artistes anti-hadopistes de Coldplay qui ont choisi d’offrir gratuitement [1] le live de leur tournée aux internautes, vient de piller le patrimoine législatif français en téléchargeant illégalement la loi Hadopi. La Brave Patrie a toutefois promptement réagi, et le réseau de pirates est en cours de démantèlement.
La victime n’en est pas à sa première agression, mais le fait que celle-ci soit posthume rend l’acte encore plus écœurant : Christine Albanel vient d’être molestée pour la 4ème fois de suite. Il est scandaleux que dans notre pays, où la sécurité est à l’ordre du jour depuis la révolution démocratique du 6 mai 2007, on puisse encore voir une star de la scène législative française, ayant à peine intégré la Chambre Froide [2], se faire dépouiller de la sorte.
Pauvre Christine. Agressée à l’Assemblée Nationale par des députés intégristes de gauche cachés derrière des rideaux. Giflée en plein hémicycle du Parlement Européen par Bono, qui marche dans les pas du terroriste Carlos et dont les enquêteurs supposent que le nom d’emprunt a été spécifiquement choisi pour approcher la trop confiante Mme Albanel. Flagellée par le commando extrémiste de gauche regroupé sous le sigle Conseil Constitutionnel, qui l’a achevé, croyait-on dans les hautes sphères médicales spécialisées.
Et bien non : un dernier outrage a été commis sur la dépouille de l’ancienne ministre de la Culture.
Le jeune hacker Blind G0rd0n Br0wn, avant de perdre un œil et de porter un bandeau.
Cette fois l’attaque vient de l’étranger. Hors des Frontières de la Brave Patrie se masse un ennemi plus redoutable encore que les 3 derniers militants du PCF, section Hérault, réunis au café des sports de Viuz-la-Chiezaz. Braves Citoyens, les Rosbifs nous volent l’œuvre de toute une vie politique.
Le piratage est avéré. La connexion Internet utilisée provient d’Angleterre, du 10 Downing Street à Londres, et porte la signature de l’ordinateur de Blind G0rd0n Br0wn, un petit délinquant écossais habituellement spécialisé dans la fraude aux notes de frais et reconverti dans le hacking et le piratage sur le net.
Son adresse IP a été aperçue sur eDonkey par la cellule anti-piratage de la Haute Autorité alors qu’il téléchargeait le projet de loi HADOPI dans son ensemble. Un autre délinquant a été identifié, le pirate ayant choisi de ne partager le produit de sa rapine (rester en « seed », disent ces cyber-fripouilles) qu’avec une relation FaceBook, un certain Lord M4nde150n, ministre du Bizness et pilier du collectif travailliste.
Un complice français, Imad L., déjà connu des services de police luxembourgeois pour produire des lignes de code vérolées, est activement recherché. Le forfait prend ainsi des ramifications internationales.
Un autre suspect, « Dédévé la FreeGate », alias « Torrent Domi », est lui aussi pourchassé. Pointure internationale de la falsification de fichiers pirates pour le compte des majors, il était passé chez les h4xors suite à son éviction par le conseiller personnel de Pascal Nègre, Nicolas S.
Pirate diabolique, Lord M4nde150n est allé jusqu’à dérober le linceul de la pauvre Madame Albanel.
Par chance, la découverte de ce réseau a permis d’éviter de justesse la propagation illégale et hors de tout contrôle marchand de cette œuvre symbolique du renouveau de la production législative française. Alléluia, les auteurs et détenteurs des droits de la loi ne perdront pas trop de royalties - même en Grande Bretagne, où la lutte est orchestrée par un allié improbable, l’organisation à but non-lucratif Open Rights Group [3].
Cette association avance que 70% des Anglais seraient opposés au principe de la riposte graduée. Le seul acte terroriste recensé dans le cadre de ce piratage est l’utilisation par le FAI britannique Karoo des dispositions de ce florilège de mesures législatives éclairées. Après avoir pris la liberté d’user des directives du texte français avant même une copie privée législative à la sauce anglo-saxonne, le FAI a du faire machine arrière face à la mobilisation des habitants de Kingston-upon-Hull qui ont rejoint le concert de protestations soulevé par le vol dont a été victime la malheureuse Christine.
La menace n’est malheureusement pas totalement écartée : un groupuscule intégriste de gauche radicale infiltré par le Parti Pirate Finlandais, le Parlement Européen, a voté la semaine dernière un amendement Bono au rabais, qui permet la propagation de l’intégrale piratée des œuvres de Christine Albanel sur les réseaux pire2pire législatifs de toute l’Europe.
Côté bravepatriote, on s’interroge en haut lieu sur des complicités venant du ministère de la Culture, ou même du palais de l’Elysée. Jean Sarkozy, charmante tête blonde en échec artistique depuis de nombreuses années, est soupçonné d’être à la source du piratage. Nicolas lui-même s’est résolu à activer le contrôle parental sur les machines de ses enfants, qui n’auront donc plus accès qu’aux différents sites certifiés UMP.
[1] Lavez-vous la bouche à l’acide après cet affront aux règles du commerce international si vous lisez cet article à voix haute, et relisez la charte d’adhésion de l’UMP à l’envers si vous n’avez fait que le marmonner.
[2] Pour les béotiens ignorant tout de notre Constitution, la Chambre Froide est la troisième chambre de notre démocratie, après l’Assemblée Nationale et le Sénat. Les enfoirés de gauchos mal-pensants l’appellent le cimetière des éléphants.
[3] « Les cons, ils ne gagnent même pas de pognon ! », déclare notre consultante Madame Michu.
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Les entreprises et les institutions peuvent déployer
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