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Les zombies au secours d’Haïti

Didier Kala, vendredi 15 janvier 2010 - 10:56 Partager sur Facebook Tweeter Enregistrer sur del.icio.us Enregistrer sur Google Bookmarks Enregistrer sur Yahoo! Envoyer par e-mail

Les autorités de Port-au-Prince, d’abord mises KO debout par le tremblement de terre de mardi soir, reprennent peu à peu le contrôle de la situation et déploient une solution locale qui pourrait faire baisser de manière spectaculaire le nombre de victimes : elles vont transformer celles-ci en zombies.

La nouvelle provoquera le soulagement de la communauté internationale à l’orée d’une nouvelle journée de Ligue 1 : bon nombre de victimes du tremblement de terre en Haïti devraient être debout d’ici la semaine prochaine.
La solution adoptée met en exergue la volonté des peuples du Tiers-Monde de s’en sortir par eux-mêmes et illustre parfaitement le vieil adage « Donne un poisson à un homme et il perdra le goût des galettes de boue ».
C’est en effet grâce à une de leurs propres méthodes ancestrales que les Haïtiens vont pouvoir remettre leur économie et leurs morts sur pied : le vaudou.

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Michael Jackson et Alain Bashung ont annoncé un concert de soutien : Welcome to the Hotel Montana.

Importé d’Afrique dans les bagages des premiers travailleurs immigrés, le vaudou est une croyance religieuse selon laquelle les mondes des vivants et des morts sont intimement liés et communiquent fréquemment pour peu que l’on exerce les bons rites. Comme l’explique Maman Brigitte, directrice de la communication du mouvement, « te gen yon aksidan. Mwen grangou ».
Ainsi, le vaudou permettra de fabriquer des zombies à partir des dizaines de milliers de morts qui jonchent les rues de Port-au-Prince et de ses environs.
Les media internationaux ne s’y sont d’ailleurs pas trompés, qui titrent déjà sur la coexistence entre les morts et les vivants et diffusent en boucle les images de ces silhouettes hagardes, blafardes et mutilées qui errent sans but dans les décombres de la capitale.

L’opinion publique, saturée depuis deux jours par des images pénibles et bien moins pittoresques que celles des plages de l’Océan Indien après un tsunami, accueillera ce répit avec bonheur.
Elle n’aurait quoiqu’il en soit pas pu tenir bien plus longtemps. L’élément d’actualité Haïti avait une durée de vie limitée à dix jours maximum, les hôtels y étant bien moins classe qu’en République Dominicaine.

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Les zombies sentent fort mais ils pourraient sauver l’économie haïtienne.

Le citoyen global et responsable qu’est le téléspectateur pourra donc se rassurer en sachant qu’à long terme les répercussions de ce tremblement de terre sur l’économie seront limitées, voire nulles.
Les zombies sont naturellement moins vifs que les citoyens vivants, mais la main d’œuvre haïtienne a de toute façon une productivité classée parmi les plus faibles de l’hémisphère nord.
L’entrepreneur étranger ne devrait par conséquent pas noter de différence fondamentale dans son retour sur investissement, ni même dans ses interactions avec les travailleurs haïtiens, le parler zombie étant remarquablement similaire au créole pratiqué dans l’île.
L’expatrié prendra en revanche bien garde à ne pas laisser ses enfants sortir le soir.

Le mot de la fin revient à Maman Brigitte, qui tient à remercier par avance le monde entier pour les efforts qui seront entrepris afin de moderniser Haïti et la faire entrer dans le groupe des pays développés : « Mwen anvi vonmi ».

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      13 mai 2015 20:45, par Ulrike

      Les zombies au secours d’Ha

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Déjà 14 réactions.

  • {#EMAIL,32,#URL_SITE_SPIP/petit_coq.gif}

    6 février 2010 14:02, par drÖne

    Une autre attaque de zombies…

    Une autre attaque de zombies sur Haïti ! Pour sécuriser ses frontières, la Drönésie Orientale déclare l'état d'urgence artistique suite au téléthon pour Haïti : http://drone-zone.org/drone/telethon-pour-haiti-la-dronesie-declare-letat-de-catastrophe-artistique/ Tous aux abris (...)
  • {#EMAIL,32,#URL_SITE_SPIP/petit_coq.gif}

    18 janvier 2010 15:16, par john duff

    Il est temps que l’on fasse…

    Il est temps que l'on fasse cesser le sexisme à Tahiti et ses innombrables victimes.
  • {#EMAIL,32,#URL_SITE_SPIP/petit_coq.gif}

    17 janvier 2010 23:22, par Jef Tombeur

    Dans un autre genre pas si…

    Dans un autre genre pas si éloigné, finalement : http://www.come4news.com/haiti-devaste-vu-par-la-presse-britannique-495617
  • {#EMAIL,32,#URL_SITE_SPIP/petit_coq.gif}

    17 janvier 2010 14:59, par Benoît XVI

    J’ai en effet pris contact…

    J'ai en effet pris contact avec lui lorsqu'il dirigeait avec entrain la villa Médicis. Il venait boire des coups à Saint-Pierre de temps à autres. Un jour, alors que nous visitions la chapelle Sixtine, il me fit cette confidence en regard du plafond: "Joseph, cette main de Dieu me fait penser à la (...)
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    17 janvier 2010 14:09, par Plokta

    Annonce par notre bien-aimé…

    Annonce par notre bien-aimé ministre de la santé de l'envoi de plusieurs tonnes de médicament à Haïti. Mme bachelot aurait annoncé: "Dans quelques jours, tous les Haïtiens seront hors de danger, la grippe H1N1 ne pourra plus les toucher. Qu'aurait pu faire ce peuple sans l'aide de la France.  Vive la (...)
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    17 janvier 2010 12:29, par messe rine

    t’y vas avec Frédéric Mitterrand…

    t'y vas avec Frédéric Mitterrand ?  :-)
  • {#EMAIL,32,#URL_SITE_SPIP/petit_coq.gif}

    17 janvier 2010 12:28, par

    t’y vas avec Frédéric Mitterrand…

    t'y vas avec Frédéric Mitterrand ? :-)
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    16 janvier 2010 23:10, par Benoit XVI

    Non, non et très chrétiennement…

    Non, non et très chrétiennement non ! Ils nous font suer ceux-là!!! Avant ils crevaient très discrètement, par milliers, chaque année... Et on s'en tapait le crucifix sur le coquillard!!! Et là, quoi?! Bah oui, un séisme, ça fait trembler la terre, et ça fait donc du bruit!!! Voilà qu'ils meurent en (...)
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    16 janvier 2010 19:04, par messe rine

    Bizarre de voir cette course…

    Bizarre de voir cette course au pognon, championnat de la charité, tout le monde donne, même la soc gen y va de son p'ti million, même la France "pays en ruine" cf F Fillon annule la dette de Haïti. Alors pourquoi autant de pognon pour Haïti ? des catastrophes yen a d'autres nan ? Indonésie, (...)
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    16 janvier 2010 13:24, par Kim Jean-Guy

    Je suis très choqué par…

    Je suis très choqué par les reportages à la télé sur Haiti ! Il est indigne de montrer tous ces noirs même pas crevés (mais bien entamés) à l'heure du repas. Y a deux ans les jaunes pour Noël et maintenant les noirs pour la chandeleur...  N'avez vous donc aucun respect des fêtes religieuses (...)
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    15 janvier 2010 23:37, par La compétition, c'est la vie

    Sans vouloir faire du mauvais…

    Sans vouloir faire du mauvais esprit, il faut bien reconnaître qu'avec le Tsunami l'Asie du Sud-Est avait placé la barre très, très haut - en plus pendant les vacances de Noël on avait mieux le temps de regarder la télé.  Non évidemment c'est triste pour les gens qui sont morts, mais là c'est (...)
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    15 janvier 2010 19:17, par Silvio B.

    Il faut prendre ça comme…

    Il faut prendre ça comme un camping du week-end !
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    15 janvier 2010 16:40, par Zombie de souche

    Braaains !

    Braaains!
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    15 janvier 2010 14:42, par Jean Bond (de bayonne)

    Je me porterais bien volontaire…

    Je me porterais bien volontaire pour acceuillir temporairement une ou deux familles de zombies, mais avec leur réputation de "bouffeurs de cerveaux" ça me refroidi un petit peu...  C'est que mon cerveau, j'ai besoin de toute sa disponibilité, pour regarder (...)

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