Justice

Transferts de djihadistes : la France propose le savoir-faire de l’IGPN à l’ONU

Didier Kala, mardi 13 août 2019 - 08:47 Partager sur Facebook Tweeter Enregistrer sur del.icio.us Enregistrer sur Google Bookmarks Enregistrer sur Yahoo! Envoyer par e-mail

Accusée à demi-mots par une officine des Nations unies d’avoir facilité le transfèrement en Irak de certains de ses ressortissants, la France a vivement réagi par la voix de sa diplomatie.

Le mois d’août, traditionnellement chiche en actualités dignes de ce nom, est un terrain propice à la croissance d’affaires d’été que l’oisiveté des Français promeut parfois au rang guère plus digne de la polémique abracadabrantesque.
Ainsi la publication ce lundi d’une lettre d’Agnès Callamard, rapporteure spéciale du Haut-Commissariat des Nations unies aux droits de l’homme (HCDH) sur les exécutions extrajudiciaires, sommaires et arbitraires.

Derrière ce titre pompeux se cache une femme qui avait déjà tenu il y a quelques semaines des propos désobligeants sur l’Arabie Saoudite, un partenaire commercial pourtant fort respectable de la France.
La nouvelle libelle de Mme Callamard insinue que la France aurait facilité le transfèrement de prisonniers djihadistes français de la Syrie vers l’Irak, où ils ont été condamnés à mort. Ceci contreviendrait à quelque convention internationale élaborée au siècle dernier [1], laquelle stipule qu’un pays ayant aboli la peine capitale ne pouvait transférer ses ressortissants vers un territoire appliquant encore celle-ci bla bla bla bla.

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Le désert irako-syrien est un vaste espace homogène où les notions humaines arbitraires telles que les frontières n’ont aucun sens tant que ce ne sont pas des réfugiés qui le parcourent.

Ces accusations sont sérieuses et susceptibles de porter atteinte au rayonnement universel de la brave patrie des droits de l’Homme et à troubler la quiétude éthique de ses citoyens.
C’est pourquoi le gouvernement, par la voix du Quai d’Orsay, a tenu à immédiatement désamorcer le malentendu en répondant point par point à la rapporteure par un communiqué viril mais correct : « N’im-porte-quoi ! »

Jean-Yves von Scheisseswetter, porte-parole adjoint du ministère des Affaires Étrangères, a bien voulu développer auprès de Brave Patrie.
« Nous pouvons difficilement révéler tous les éléments dont nous disposons sans mettre en péril nos services de renseignement et la sécurité des Français, mais plusieurs incohérences parsèment le rapport de Mme Callamard.
« Déjà, c’est imprimé en Helvetica alors que nos systèmes d’information souverains ont machinappris à lire en Comic Sans. On veut bien faire une fleur cette fois-ci et le lire à la main, mais vous avouerez qu’une telle méconnaissance des usages diplomatiques prête à sourire.
« Par ailleurs, je ne sais pas si vous connaissez le désert, mais c’est pas comme si les cailloux étaient peints d’une couleur en Syrie et d’une autre en Irak. Et si vous comptez sur les drapeaux pour vous y retrouver, bon courage mon pote.
« Enfin, n’oublions pas que nous parlons de djihadistes. On pensait que ça passerait, les Français n’aiment pas les djihadistes. DJIHADISTES. DJIHAD ! DJIHAD ! DJIHAAAD ! »

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Le ministre de l’Intérieur a conclu son intervention d’un sobre « Hein ? Ben ouais, je vois que c’est un lavabo. Il est con lui. »

Fidèle à sa réputation de bienveillance et d’émancipation des populations arriérées, le gouvernement a toutefois souhaité se montrer conciliant en proposant à l’officine onusienne une solution co-construite satisfaisante pour les deux parties.
C’est ainsi que le ministre de l’Intérieur, Christophe Castaner, a tenu un discours enflammé lors de ce qu’il pensait être les questions au gouvernement, ce mardi matin à 3h30, devant le miroir des toilettes du Balto de Carry-le-Rouet, au sous-sol derrière le comptoir, Monsieur.
« Monsieur le Président, mesdames et messieurs les députés, chers collègues, YOU TALKING TO ME ? Prfff. Nous proposons ! Nous proposons que le savoir-faire qui est reconnu dans le monde entier de notre police des brââp. Police des polices des polices des polices. Qu’il permette de régler des situations sanitaires de ce type. [Bruit de braguette.] Mmmmhh, sanitaires... C’est la raison pour laquelle nous proposons de permettre dans le cadre de nos coopérations... L’IGPN. On va leur envoyer l’IGPN. Ou la BAC. Eh ! EH ! New York c’est une île, hein ! Fais bien gaffe en te baladant sur les quais, le supion ! »

Le palais de l’Élysée ne s’est pas encore exprimé sur l’affaire, mais on rappelle dans l’entourage du chef de l’État que c’est quand même un peu la France qui a cofondé les Nations unies et que s’il fallait rendre la machine plus agile on pouvait toujours réorganiser les services récalcitrants.

P.-S.

La rédaction remercie chaleureusement @AmelGherdaoui, correspondante à Carry-le-Rouet à l’insu de son plein gré.

Notes

[1Soit sept siècles derniers en années digitales, ce qui nous ramène à avant la découverte du Nouveau Monde.

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      So, whereas women have low ranges of pure testosterone, even a small exogenous administration taken regularly is going to
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      Such momentary water retention could cause
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      The girls only trusted their own information and had a crucial method to data.
      The women’s networks are smaller and newer in phrases of AAS, nevertheless it
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      Although steroids could have quickly inflated player statistics, additionally they had long-lasting effects on the sport.

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      For a 1995 examine, Pope and his coauthors estimated the FFMIs of
      Mr. America winners from 1939 to 1959, earlier than steroids were available.
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70918248 References : steroids names (Digitalsumanta.com)

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